Tales From the Vet

I recently paid a visit to the torture chamber I call the Vet's office. I didn't know I was going to the vets, I usually have no idea. This is because my devious mom doesn't tell me I am going to the vets. Instead she claps her hands and uses her best baby talk voice and says, "Who wants to go bye-bye? Wanna go bye-bye?" And of course, like a fool, I jump up and down and turn in circles and bark and act like a complete nutter because who doesn't want to go bye-bye afterall?? Only we're not going bye-bye, we're going to the stinking vets! Here's a newsflash mom and all you other humans: Going to the vet IS NOT THE SAME as going bye-bye!

It's not just the torture I object to, it's the being lied to. Don't get me all excited and make it sound like I'm going somewhere fun like the park or grandma's house! Tell me the truth. Say, "Listen Lexi, we're going to the vets office where you'll be poked and prodded and they'll stick you with sharp needles and put things up your butt. Sorry pal!" Will I freak out? Of course I will! Will you have to drag me to the car by my leash? Of course you will! But at least you will be being honest, and honesty is the best policy, don't you agree?

So I went to see the devil - I mean the vet - and first thing they do is try to weigh me. Now I am not a moron, I KNOW the scale won't hurt me. It's just that I don't WANT to stand on it. So that's why I plant myself on the floor and get dragged by my leash and cajoled and baby talked onto the scale. Truth be told this is the high point of my visit, I get a big kick out of making it difficult and since the rest of the visit pretty much sucks I take my pleasure where I can! After I am told what a big girl I am, I am then dragged down the hall to an examining room where the vet tech pretends to be nice and gives me a treat that I refuse to eat. Because like I said, I am no moron. I fell for that treat business in the beginning when I was a young pup, before I realized that each and every time I went to this crazy place I was going to get jabbed and otherwise violated in my nether-regions. So now I refuse to take their evil bait. Instead I jump on mom and whimper and try to break down the door, which doesn't go over well.

After failing to bribe me the evil vet tech leaves the room and then HE comes in. The vet. Oh sure he pretends to be nice, but I know what is in store for me. Sure enough he puts his hands ALL over me, squeezes me here and there, pries open my mouth and looks at my teeth. Then he has the audacity to tell my mom that I am a "short statured shepherd"! Jerk! After calling me a midget the vet then proceeds to poke me with sharp needles and stick something up my butt. Of course I whine and complain and carry on and they talk baby talk and keep trying to bribe me again with treats.

Some visits are worse than others. Aside from getting poked in various places the other thing I hate is getting my nails clipped. This happens at least once a month. And once I even had to have a nail cauterized after tearing it off outside while playing. Do you know what cauterizing involves? It is BURNING your poor little claw to stop the bleeding! Cripes I'd rather bleed all over the place! Imagine ripping your fingernail and someone pulls out a blow torch to fix it! Now you have some idea what I went through!

I do understand that we animals need our vaccines and treatments in order to stay healthy but that doesn't mean we have to like it. Ever notice how much we dogs carry on at the vets? As humans you just hear a lot of barking and whining, but if you could speak dog you would hear things like "Help! I'm being murdered!" and "You're going to put WHAT in my WHAT??"

I've just been told that later on this month I have another vet appointment for yet another vaccine. Hopefully we will have none of this bye-bye business and we can just get it over with. Let's also hope my nether-regions will not be violated at this visit and I won't be bribed with cheap treats. And maybe one of these days humans will figure out a way to make vet visits more pleasant. Until then my butt will be planted on the floor and they'll have to drag me to the torture chamber because I won't go quietly and neither should you!

Till next time

Wags and kisses,

Lexi