This is me (in case u hadn't guessed!)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A conversation with Happy & Screechy

Most of you are familiar with my little bro and sis, Happy and Screechy. They are six month old human twins who are fast becoming two of my best buds. Along with our big sis Squeezy we have loads of fun, especially as they grow bigger. You might not believe it but Happy and Screechy are great conversationalists with just about as many opinions as I have. So I recently sat down with them for a chat and they agreed to let me feature it on my blog.

Me: Hello Happy, hello Screechy! How are you today?

Happy: Wonderful, I have gas! (sounds & smells are emitting from his tushy!)

Screechy: I'm good but he stinks as usual!

Me: So what are your plans for the day?

Happy: I'm gonna pass some more gas, eat a little, belch, play, pinch Screechy, pull your fur, cry, roll over, sleep, then possibly pass more gas.

Screechy: (scowls at Happy in disgust) You're an animal! I plan to eat, cry, whine, spit up, poop, sleep. Then wake up, whine, eat, spit up and poop again. You don't see me farting my day away like Happy does!

Me: You know I have a blog and I often tell stories about you two and Squeezy. Just wondering, what do you think of me?

Happy: You're a good pup, fun to play with and lay on and I like it when you lick my face and feet!

Screechy: You're good for drooling on that's for sure and I don't mind a good foot lick now and again. But do you really have to keep licking my face, especially right after you've licked your butt? It's beyond gross!

Me: Oh sorry Screechy! I'll try to stick to your feet if I can! So what is your opinion of Bella our cat?

Happy: We have a cat??

Screechy: Of course we do you dope! It's that furry white thing that comes in at night and lays beside you until Lexi tries to eat it.

Happy: Oh yes, I remember now! Great snuggler that one!

Me: Hmmmph! I thought I was your favorite snuggler??

Happy: Oh don't be offended Lex! You'll always be our favorite, promise!

Screechy: Yeah, even though you do tend to fart even more than Happy or Daddy. Must run in this family apparently.

Me: Yes, I think it does! Great for clearing a room. I noticed the two of you are almost sitting up by yourselves now! It won't be long before you're crawling!

Happy: Yes I can't wait! But mom says when that happens we will be put in a cage! What are we, animals??

Screechy: Yes, Happy, I think we are! But that's okay, I'm sure Lexi will join us in our baby cage for lots of fun and mischief, won't you dear?

Me: Absolutely! We'll be able to plan all kinds of neat things to do! Mom might not like them but then that's what makes them fun! Well it looks like mom wants the two of you to nap now so I'll say bye for now!

Happy: Nap??? But I'm not through farting yet!

Screechy: Nap, yeah right! Mom's soooo naive!!!!

Me: Bye guys, sleep well and I'll give you both a good foot licking when you wake!

And then mom took them away for a snooze, which is what's next on my own agenda! Hope you enjoyed the chat with my babies, we'll talk again soon!

Wags and kisses, and farts and scowls,
Lexi, Happy and Screechy

To Chase...or Not to Chase...

We have the good fortune to have a railroad track running behind our house. It's barely used which my mom and dad say is a good thing. I say it's a rotten thing. Because...I...LOVE....to chase trains!!!!! I come by this obsession naturally as it is a well known fact that my dear old dad is also an avid train chaser. Why he's been known to nearly crash the car in order to get a glimpse of a steam engine chugging down a country track. So when I hear that loud whistle coming I go into near hysterics until I get let outside and can give chase!

Now of course I don't make much progress since our yard happens to be fenced in, but I do what I can, racing back and forth the length of the lawn barking with mad joy at the huge incredibly noisy rumbly train. In the summer time my view is mostly blocked by the trees and bushes that grow between our fence and the tracks, but in the winter I get a glorious view of my prey. It always gets away though and I am left to stand forlornly and sad while it rumbles out of view.

But fortunately for me there are lots of other things to chase! Bella the cat is a great chase-ee, but she is a bit fast and if she's in a bad mood I get a swipe on the nose for my efforts. Plus once I catch her and try to have a good chew I usually end up getting hurt. She just doesn't seem to understand this is supposed to be FUN.

Unlike a lot of dogs I do not chase cars, mainly because I lack access to them. I am kept safely locked up in the back yard so I can just watch the cars go by and dream of what it must be like. Car chasing is a bit risky and I don't recommend it, like train chasing it's best to simply "pretend" to chase cars. Unless, of course you are talking about the electric toy cars like my sister Squeezy drives! Now those are a blast to chase! I love to act like a rabid mad dog and attack the tires while Squeezy drives around the yard screaming like a maniac! This most often brings mom out of the house shouting at us to stop acting so loud and crazy but we usually carry on anyway!

Recently I discovered the joys of chasing bicycle tires while Squeezy rides around the yard. For some reason she doesn't seem to enjoy this as much as the toy car chase and she screams in a most unhappy way and I get grounded to the house. The same thing happens when mom is riding the lawn tractor and I go after those tires. Or the vacuum or mop or broom. Apparently there are just some things that are okay to chase and some things that are not!

We dogs each and every day are faced with the overpowering need to chase things, it's natural for us and suppressing this urge is not easy! So the next time your dog takes off after your lawn mower, tricycle or precious little cat, don't shout and get angry. Maybe try a little chasing yourself and see how lovely it feels. Who knows, you just might find yourself hooked, just like your dog!

Wags and kisses,

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Better Tasting Than Ever!

Let me start by saying I am a picky eater. There. I said it, so no one (meaning you mom and dad) needs to keep pointing that out to me. I am well aware that I have a habit of turning my nose up at the food that is set before me. But that's mainly because the food set before me is, to put it quite simply, crap! Dog food is just not that tasty folks! Despite what many people seem to think, we dogs aren't hopping for joy when you put those hard little chunks or slimy oozy globs of mushy stuff in our bowls. Now you may be one of those people whose dog scarfs down their dog food the second it's set before them. But the truth is, your dog isn't scarfing the food down because they love the taste. No, they are scarfing it down because they are afraid someone else might eat it! These dogs, who I'm sad to say aren't always that clever, seem to think that another dog, the cat, the bird, or even you dear human, might actually eat the food before they can. They aren't eager to eat, they are just really greedy and a little bit daft.

Speaking of daft...dog food makers seem to think they can put one over on all you wonderful dog moms and dads out there by making you think that their food "tastes great"! In fact, right now in my kitchen, sits a big bag of dog food that claims it is "Better Tasting Than Ever!" Just who, I would like to know, has determined this? Do the dog food companies have an actual person who tastes this stuff and decides it tastes great?? Or do they have a dog that does the tasting? Well if it is a dog it has to be a lab, since it's a well known fact those pigs will eat anything! (My apologies to my lab friends, but you know it's true!)

My mom and dad have tried just about every dog food out there on me. And I'm proud to say they've not found one I like yet! They say I'm picky, I like to think of it as having a "discriminating palate". In my almost two short years I've tried Iams, Science Diet, Purina Puppy Chow, Chicken Soup for the Pet Lovers Soul Dog food (yes, there is such a thing!), Beneful, Kibbles and Bits, Pedigree, Ol' Roy, Grandma's Recipes, Alpo, and zillions of other forgotten brands. But not one tastes as good as cat food! In fact, why do these dog food companies waste so much money on dog food tasters when they would save everyone a load of trouble by just making a dog food that tastes like cat food!! Because ALL dogs love cat food, it's scrumptious! Some really stupid dogs think cat food tastes good because it has cats as the main ingredient, but I happen to know that is not true. I've tasted my cat Bella plenty of times and she tastes nothing like Cat Chow!

Now my mom and dad (and I) know that conventional dog training wisdom says to get your dog to eat properly you must stick to one food and insist your dog eat it and if they don't then they go hungry till the next feeding time. And at different times in my life my folks have tried that but being the soft hearted lovies that they are they always give in. All I have to do is look very sad and pitiful and they cave and I get McDonald's! In case you didn't already realize this, looking sad and pitiful will get you a lot of things if you play it just right, the way we dogs do. My sad and pitiful looks have gotten me some really good grub, treats, toys and belly rubs! If you don't believe me try it next time you ask your boss for a raise and see if it works!

Before you worry that I am wasting away here, I DO manage to eat and my vet says I'm a good weight and very healthy. I will eat my dry kibble on the sly when no one is looking and I enjoy the odd can of slimy goo now and again. And I guess if I was being totally forthcoming I would admit that should my folks really decide to put their foot down and make me eat one food and one food alone I would do it. Because afterall, I am a dog, and we do love to eat! But lets keep that little fact a secret shall we? 'Cuz right now I have a real hankering for a burger and fries with a side of Whiskas! Time to put my starving sad face on!

Wags and kisses

Monday, August 2, 2010

Tales From the Vet

I recently paid a visit to the torture chamber I call the Vet's office. I didn't know I was going to the vets, I usually have no idea. This is because my devious mom doesn't tell me I am going to the vets. Instead she claps her hands and uses her best baby talk voice and says, "Who wants to go bye-bye? Wanna go bye-bye?" And of course, like a fool, I jump up and down and turn in circles and bark and act like a complete nutter because who doesn't want to go bye-bye afterall?? Only we're not going bye-bye, we're going to the stinking vets! Here's a newsflash mom and all you other humans: Going to the vet IS NOT THE SAME as going bye-bye!

It's not just the torture I object to, it's the being lied to. Don't get me all excited and make it sound like I'm going somewhere fun like the park or grandma's house! Tell me the truth. Say, "Listen Lexi, we're going to the vets office where you'll be poked and prodded and they'll stick you with sharp needles and put things up your butt. Sorry pal!" Will I freak out? Of course I will! Will you have to drag me to the car by my leash? Of course you will! But at least you will be being honest, and honesty is the best policy, don't you agree?

So I went to see the devil - I mean the vet - and first thing they do is try to weigh me. Now I am not a moron, I KNOW the scale won't hurt me. It's just that I don't WANT to stand on it. So that's why I plant myself on the floor and get dragged by my leash and cajoled and baby talked onto the scale. Truth be told this is the high point of my visit, I get a big kick out of making it difficult and since the rest of the visit pretty much sucks I take my pleasure where I can! After I am told what a big girl I am, I am then dragged down the hall to an examining room where the vet tech pretends to be nice and gives me a treat that I refuse to eat. Because like I said, I am no moron. I fell for that treat business in the beginning when I was a young pup, before I realized that each and every time I went to this crazy place I was going to get jabbed and otherwise violated in my nether-regions. So now I refuse to take their evil bait. Instead I jump on mom and whimper and try to break down the door, which doesn't go over well.

After failing to bribe me the evil vet tech leaves the room and then HE comes in. The vet. Oh sure he pretends to be nice, but I know what is in store for me. Sure enough he puts his hands ALL over me, squeezes me here and there, pries open my mouth and looks at my teeth. Then he has the audacity to tell my mom that I am a "short statured shepherd"! Jerk! After calling me a midget the vet then proceeds to poke me with sharp needles and stick something up my butt. Of course I whine and complain and carry on and they talk baby talk and keep trying to bribe me again with treats.

Some visits are worse than others. Aside from getting poked in various places the other thing I hate is getting my nails clipped. This happens at least once a month. And once I even had to have a nail cauterized after tearing it off outside while playing. Do you know what cauterizing involves? It is BURNING your poor little claw to stop the bleeding! Cripes I'd rather bleed all over the place! Imagine ripping your fingernail and someone pulls out a blow torch to fix it! Now you have some idea what I went through!

I do understand that we animals need our vaccines and treatments in order to stay healthy but that doesn't mean we have to like it. Ever notice how much we dogs carry on at the vets? As humans you just hear a lot of barking and whining, but if you could speak dog you would hear things like "Help! I'm being murdered!" and "You're going to put WHAT in my WHAT??"

I've just been told that later on this month I have another vet appointment for yet another vaccine. Hopefully we will have none of this bye-bye business and we can just get it over with. Let's also hope my nether-regions will not be violated at this visit and I won't be bribed with cheap treats. And maybe one of these days humans will figure out a way to make vet visits more pleasant. Until then my butt will be planted on the floor and they'll have to drag me to the torture chamber because I won't go quietly and neither should you!

Till next time

Wags and kisses,


Sunday, August 1, 2010

Well I humbly stand corrected!

The results of my non - scientific poll are in and apparently it is true! I DO NOTHING all day but eat and sleep! If you don't believe me here is a look at mom's day as compared to mine:


3 am, up with Happy & Screechy, back to bed @4 am

Me: sleep

Mom: 5 am, up with H & S, back to bed @ 6 am

Me: chase cat briefly, have a munch, a pee and sleep

Mom: up @ 8 am, feed & change H & S, fix breakfast, wash bottles, do laundry

Me: eat, scratch, poop, sleep

Mom: 10 am, clean up the house, continue laundry, watch H & S, write grocery list

Me: sleep

Mom: 12 noon, grocery shopping, eat lunch, more laundry, take care of H & S

Me: eat, pee, scratch, sleep

Mom: more cleaning, more laundry, more H & S for most of afternoon

Me: eat, poop, scratch, play, sleep

and so on and so forth. I think you get the picture! Actually to be fair to myself I do more than just eat and sleep as you can see. I do scratch, pee, poop, play and harass the cat also! So you really cannot call me a lazy dog can you? :P

Now I've got to go eat poop and sleep! (which also happens to be the title of the next Julia Roberts film by the way!)

Wags and kisses,


Me?? Do Nothing???

So I was recently informed that I do nothing all day but sleep and eat!! I HIGHLY doubt this is accurate so I plan to keep track over a day and see if this is true! Stay tuned.....