This is me (in case u hadn't guessed!)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

How To Be A Helpful Pet

I know how hard some of you humans out there work and you deserve a pet who makes your life easier don't you think? So that's why I've put together a helpful list of tips for your pet to help them remember how they can lend a hand. Maybe post them over their food bowls for easy reference!

1. When taking a drink from your water bowl remember to slurp as much water as possible over the floor. This helps with mopping! (small breed dogs may need to drool a bit to accomplish this as they are not very good slurpers!)
2. Make sure to smudge the front windows of your house or car. It makes washing the windows worthwhile and your human won't feel like they are wasting their time!
3. You may want to track mud in the house each and every day but DON'T! Wait until your human has just mopped the floor and then do it! It will be much more appreciated that way!
4. DO NOT drink from the toilet unless the water is clear! This is very important since humans use smelly dangerous cleaners in there that could make you seriously ill or worse!
** addendum to #4, if your cat is perched on the open toilet seat feel free to give her a nudge! After all, cats need baths too!
5. Shed Shed Shed. 'nuff said on that subject!
6. Always save your best butt licking sessions for when company comes! Afterall you don't want to hide such a valuable talent do you??
7. Hang out by the fridge when your human is cleaning it out. You might get a chance to nick some good grubb!
8. Human beds were made for sleeping on AND for burying bones, treats, and leftover pizza crust in pillows.
9. Winter time can be a good time to munch on some tasty poop-sicles. Poop in the summer is too messy even for us dogs to mess with so leave it alone. Feel free however to bring an occassional dead rodent or two into the house for your humans inspection.
10. And last but not least - compost - it's a good thing! Be sure to roll in it with relish but be forewarned, your human WILL most likely insist on bathing you afterwards.
There you have it folks! Follow these tips and you will be one wonderfully helpful pet! Sometimes these silly humans won't act like they actually appreciate your helfpulness, but trust me, they do!
Wags and kisses,

Monday, July 19, 2010

Basic Training

As I may or may not have already mentioned, I am a purebred German Shepherd with an impressive pedigree. My parents and their parents and those before them were well trained, well bred and just plain, well wonderful! So when my parents bought me from my breeder Cheryl they were pretty sure they were getting an awesome dog. And they did!! (not bragging here, it's just a fact).

Of course I had the "raw ingredients" but we dogs don't come trained ya know! We do require a little "basic training" even if we do have an impeccable pedigree under our belts. And apparently, so I've been told (over and over and over again!) when I was first brought home at the tender age of 8 weeks, I was, shall we saw, very ill mannered. My parents did what training they could at home (housebreaking, basic manners, etc) until I was almost a year old. Then they signed me up for a basic dog obedience class at the local high school.

They were excited and so was I. Finally I was going to get to go to school and learn "obedience"! I had no idea what that was, but they made it sound like it would be a blast so I was game! One night they loaded me into the car and off we drove to the high school for our first class. As soon as we entered the building however my excitement started to wain. I was greeted by about 20 other dogs, all older than me and they were all barking. Loudly. Meanly. They did not look like they were interested in having fun, rather they looked like they wanted to eat a young German Shepherd!

I tried hiding behind dad's legs but he pulled me forward on my leash and made me sit while the instructor started the class. First thing she did was hold up a funny looking collar she said was a "choke chain". In her class, she said, every dog had to have a choke chain, or if not a choke chain then a prong collar. She held up another collar, this one looked positively barbaric, with metal prongs all along the inside. She insisted neither collar would hurt a dog, that those of us with thick coats would hardly even feel ourselves being choked or poked. Ha ha. Now THAT is amusing! Here's the deal folks: if you don't believe that being choked or stabbed in the throat doesn't hurt then how about we put one of these lovely collars around YOUR neck and see how you like it??? Because it sure DOES hurt! As do shock collars and other devices that people use to "train" their dogs. Here's a basic rule of thumb to follow when it comes to your pets: Don't do anything to your pet that you wouldn't do to your child. Or better yet, don't do anything to your pet that you wouldn't do to yourself, because I've seen a lot of parents who don't seem to treat their children any better than they do their pets.

So our first class began with me having a choke chain put around my neck and having dad drag me to our place in a circle with the other dogs and their owners. I am not ashamed to admit I was scared out of my doggy mind! I didn't know what was happening really aside from the fact that I was going to be "choked" by my loving dad and possibly attacked by one of these older, positively cranky dogs!

The first thing we were supposed to learn was how to walk or "heel", which I though was pretty stupid. I mean gee whiz, I'd been walking since I was a tiny pup, it's not that difficult really! But "heeling" is somewhat different than just "walking". Heeling, in this class at least, involved walking right beside my dad, but not too close and not too far away, not too fast, not too slow. I was not allowed to jump up or stop until he stopped. Then I was supposed to sit nicely and look up at him for my next command. Yeah right!!! Like THAT was going to happen! So I did what came naturally to me, which was trotting beside dad and jumping up occassionally and crying and nipping and howling and pulling on my leash and trying to sniff the butt of the dog in front of me. But whenever I did any of these wonderful doggy things I got choked!! That's right folks, my adoring daddy would give me a sharp yank and I'd go aaaccckkkk!!! and just about toss my kibble everywhere. All around me the other dogs were being choked and a few scary looking ones were wearing the prong collars and they were being pronged and stabbed and everyone was barking and howling and crying and plain miserable. Oh yeah, Basic Dog Obedience was brilliant!

And all the while that crazy instructor was stalking around shouting "That's it! Show your dog whose boss! Give them a correction! Don't let them take control!" The woman was insane I tell you! Poor mom stood on the sidelines with her hand over her mouth looking just sick. Each time we passed her in our rotation I'd jump, trying to get to her. But each time dad yanked me back. Then the instructor upped the ante. She started tossing raw hotdogs on the floor in front of us. Cool I thought, a snack! I figured this was her way of making up for trying to choke us to death but oh no! This was just one more little trick in her devious plot of doggy domination! Now we were told that we had to continue to heel and our owners were to make sure we did NOT touch the hotdogs. Not touch a hotdog???? Is that even possible????? According to her it was.

On my first pass I gobbled up the first hotdog that came my way and dad chuckled. The instructor did not like that. "Your dog just ate anti freeze!" she barked. "You've got to control your dog!! Give a correction!" Dad halfheartedly gave me a little choke which I gleefully ignored while I grabbed my second hot dog. The rest of the lesson went much the same way. My folks were not pleased. They said I didn't get it, that I was too young. Mom said she hated that choke chain and I agreed!

During the week we practiced at home and mom and dad said I was making progress. But we practiced without the choke chain and with lots of treats. The instructor had said we didn't need treats for our training. So lets get this straight: basic dog obedience involved the use of torture devices, no treats, taunting with hot dogs and doggy domination. Yeah, that makes me want to be very obedient doesn't it you???

I figured we were done with that crazy dog obedience stuff but unfortunately mom and dad decided to give it one more try. Dad dragged me into class the very next week and the torture continued. I was having none of it I decided. I refused to heel no matter how much I was choked or prodded. I threw myself a great big doggy tantrum, jumping up on dad and crying, pulling on my leash to get to mom. Then I laid down on the floor and refused to move. The instructor kept shouting for dad to use a correction and get control but I could tell mom and dad were done. And so was I. We left the class early. Clearly dog "obedience" was not for us!

Back at home mom decided to train me herself using techniques she'd read about in books borrowed from the library. These books advocated, of all things, POSITIVE training, with lots of praise and best of all lots of treats! And lo and behold, once I knew good things would come my way I started to learn! Within weeks I was heeling and sitting and staying and coming when called. And we did it all with a normal collar and just me and my loving mom and dad. Now I'm not going to lie and say I am a perfectly trained, always obedient dog. I am sometimes naughty and sometimes I don't always come when called and I still like to jump up on people and give them kisses. And I bet sometimes mom and dad wish I was as perfectly trained as some of my ancestors. But anything else just wouldn't be me and I just know my folks wouldn't have it any other way!

And now I'm gonna go get me a hot dog!

Wags & kisses,


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Boppys & Binkies & Bumbos - Oh My!

As many of you may already know we recently had two new additions to our family. Mom had two babies at once, Matthew, who I call Happy and Amy, who I call Screechy. Matthew is called Happy because he is a very happy fellow, always smiling and laughing and cooing. Amy is called Screechy because she screeches like a banshee and is usually in a very very bad mood (kind of like the cat!)

When a human has two babies at once that is called twins. When I was born to my doggy mom I was one of ten puppies. Thank goodness my human mom did not have ten babies because two is bad enough!

When Happy and Screechy were first growing inside Mom I did not have a clue they were in there. I just knew that all of a sudden my mom was puking her guts out day and night! Now I am known as a bit of a frequent puker myself (we German Sheps have sensitive tums!) but mom was a one woman puke fest! Unfortunately for her it was around this same time that I started having several bouts of explosive doggy diarhea, I'm talking major watery Hershey squirts! Poor mom, it was coming out of one end of me and the other end of her! But even little things would cause mom to puke, like if she smelled perfume or laundry detergent or if Daddy cooked us a nice roasted chicken for dinner! Or if I happened to put my lovely squidgy slimy piece of rawhide on her lap. So Happy and Screechy were the cause of lots of urping in our house.

Finally the barfing stopped and moms tummy started to grow. And grow and grow and grow. I got shouted at a lot because mom said I was in her way and she couldn't see her feet, or her knees or her hips. All she could see was the giant tum that was Happy and Screechy, all scrunched up together inside.

One night there was great commotion in our house just after we'd all settled down for bed. Mom was up and dad was up and they were trying to wake up big sis Maddie. They kept talking about how mom's water had broke which I didn't understand then and I still don't understand to this day. How does one "break" water???? At any rate, suddenly everyone left the house in the middle of the night and I was left alone! That had NEVER happened before in my lifetime so I sort of freaked out a little. Thank goodness my cat Bella was here to calm my nerves a little. I chewed her up a bit then we snuggled up and slept the rest of the night. In the morning dad was back but just long enough to let me out to pee then off he went again. Mom was nowhere to be seen which was strange indeed. This craziness went on for 4 days and I was nearly out of my mind wondering what had happened to my mom! I thought maybe she'd run away or something, but no, the truth was she was at some place called a "hospital" where she gave birth to Happy and Screechy, my new little bro and sis.

When mom finally came home I went completely berserk, crying and kissing her all over! I was soooo happy to see her! She gave me lots of cuddles and kisses although I noticed she was moving kind of slow and her giant tummy was gone. Then dad brought in Happy and Screechy and put them in the baby crib still in their car seats so I could check them out. Well I'm here to tell you, this dog had never ever seen such a weird thing as those two babies! I had no idea what they were! Were they toys? I didn't think so, they were moving and making tiny noises and had a smell to them. I growled a little bit because I was unsure what I was dealing with here and dad gave me a thunk and told me to be good. That told me it was NOT okay to chew on these things, whatever they were. Gradually I came to realize they were tiny people and apparently they were here to stay. Pretty much right away I realized two other things: they were LOUD and they were SMELLY. The smelly I didn't mind so much (even grabbed me a diaper or two to chew on when mom wasn't looking!) but the loud was another thing entirely! Screechy especially would constantly emit a sound ten thousand times worse then nails on a chalkboard! I had no choice but to throw back my head and howl right along with her. At first mom and dad thought it was funny when I howled, later on it just got me another thunk on the head. Which brought me to another realization: it's okay for babies to make loads of noise but not me! Not fair at all but that's how it is!

When you have babies in your house they come with a lot of junk, all of which I am not allowed to touch or chew on, which stinks! You have Boppy's, which are these great soft pillows that cradle the babies while they sleep. Then you have Binkies, which are so fun to chew and suck on!! We also have Bumbo seats, which are made out of this lovely squidgy soft rubber that would be soooo nice to chew. But I'm not allowed near any of it! All I can do is look longingly at them and dream of the mess I could make...

It's different now that we have babies in the house. It's noisier and smellier and sometimes my sleep is disturbed. Happy pulls my fur and drools on me and Screechy breaks my eardrums ten times a day, but truth be told I'm starting to get sort of used to having them around. I like making them laugh and smile and I like kissing their drooly faces and licking up the spit up from the floor. And mom says soon they will start eating baby food, so THAT'S got to be a good thing!

Yes, I miss the peace and quiet and I wish I could lay on the boppys and chew the binkies and bumbos and drink milk from the bottles but I do love my new bro and sis, we have an awesome family and something tells me it's just going to get better and better!

Wags and kisses,


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Decided to start a blog!

Hello folks (animal, human & other!)

Since I started my twitter page I've discovered I have so much more to say about so many different subjects and not enough room to say them! So what better way to share my doggie thoughts but to start my own blog? or dog blog to be more exact!

In case you don't already know who I am my name is Lexi Dogweather and I am almost 2 years old. My birthday is on September 15th, just in case you want to send gifts! (I am partial to squeaky toys and bones!) I am a beautiful German Shepherd and I live with my mom and dad, my cat Bella (also 2) and my 8 year old sis Maddie, and our 2 little twins Matthew and Amy who are almost 6 months old.

Sometimes I get into trouble but never ever on purpose (honest!) My folks say I have "excellent tracking abilities" , although they kind of sound sarcastic when they say that! Not sure why!

I like to chase my cat, chase my ball, chase my laser pointer, chase my sis Maddie and well..I guess chase anything basically! My lifes ambition is to catch a squirrel someday - though I'm not quite sure what I will do with it when I catch it! Oh and I LOVE to roll around in smelly stuff, the stinkier the better!

Glad u are here, I just know we will have lots of fun sharing our thoughts!

Three wags to u all,