An Original Poem by LexiDogweather

DON'T HATE ME

Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful

Don't hate me cuz I'm fat

Don't hate me cuz I like to chase

That rotten little cat!

Don't hate me cuz I eat a lot

Don't hate me cuz I chew

I know I just might bark a lot

But hey, so do you!

Sometimes I know I am a pooper

But that's okay cuz you have the scooper!

So just love me lots and lots and lots

Because I am so super!

-Lexi Dogweather

And now a word from our cat, Bella

Okay this bites, but mom says I must allow Bella a chance to address my frequent "attacks" (mom's word, not mine!) on her! Give me a break. Whatever. So here's the stupid cat.

Hello all, this is Isabella Ann Fairweather, or Bella for short. I believe you have heard about me from my big horrible smelly sister, Lexi. From what I understand she is quite the blogger, and enjoys sharing her little tales with you, mainly about moi and how she continually tries to eat me. I also understand she is fond of bragging about her so called "good looks" and "intelligence"and "talents". Barf.

Listen folks, I am not going to blather on and on about mundane events or brag about myself (though I will admit I am EXQUISITE). Instead I am going to tell you all you need to know about that big furry behemoth I call my sister. In fact, I am going to tell you all you need to know about every single canine on this planet. Are you ready? Wait for it..wait for it.....okay here it is....the TRUTH about dogs: THEY ARE STUPID.

That is all. Carry on.

Meow, purr, blah blah blah

Bella

We now return you to your regular stupid dog programming. Enjoy if you must.

Fur-Friends, Fur-Relations & Fur-Enemies

I am a lucky dog in that I am surrounded by some very special fur-animals, both in real life and on the net. They help make my life so interesting! A dog needs interesting, otherwise we just get bored and lay around and sleep all day and get into general mischief. (all of which I do regardless anyway!)

I thought it was high time I introduce my blog followers to all of the interesting critters in my life, the good AND bad!

As many of you know here in my own house lives my evil cat sister Bella. She and I are the same age and have many of the same interests. Such as chasing each other, biting each other and when no one is looking giving each other cuddly snuggles. (keep that on the down lo please! I do have a rep to protect!) Bella likes to go out of her way to tease me and I respond by trying to stuff her head into my mouth. It's an odd relationship, but it works for us!

Bella has a bestie she likes to hang with during the warmer months when she goes outside. He is a straggly, ugly looking stray cat I have aptly named Sir Skanks A lot. This evil beast and my evil cat sister delight in taunting me from the other side of the fence. They also use the next door neighbor's vegetable garden as a giant litter box! I have tried to sound the warning about this each and every time it happens but unfortunately my people do not understand what I am trying to do so I get shouted at and dragged inside. Meanwhile Bella and Sir Skanks A lot pee and poop and dig around in the veggies to their hearts content.

I've come to learn though that not ALL cats are bad. Take for instance, my internet pals The Wonder Cats. I love these these three little kitties so much I have made them honorary dogs! They sure know how to entertain with their playful antics. But the best part is that they barf on a regular basis! Now for a dog there is no better entertainment than seeing someone or something barf. I know it sounds gross, but if you were a dog trust me, you'd enjoy it too! After all, when someone pukes you get to see the food all over again! So big slurpy kisses to my Wonder Cats, they are awesome! Barf away my friends, barf away!

But I am a dog of course so most of my favorite anipals are canines. There is my Uncle Bubba who belongs to my grandma. Bubba is a rat terrier and in dog years is about one hundred zillion years old. Mom says he is a Grumpy Old Man. I say he is fun to jump around on and kiss, even if he does try to tear my face off on a regular basis! Grandma used to have another little doggy named Baby, who was a mini pin. She was about the size of a large rat, but she had a big dog personality so she and I got along great! My favorite game to play with Baby was "Somersault"! That's when a 74 lb. German Shepherd charges at a 6 lb mini pin and sends her head over heels! Great fun!!! Unfortunately Baby, like a lot of teeny tiny dogs, had a problem with learning not to poop and pee in the house and Grandma could not handle her anymore. So she found another loving family who has taken her in. I hope she is happy, I sure do miss somersaulting her!

My grandpa has a Border Collie named Patches. Patches was born deaf and a little bit daft, but she is great fun too. Although like Bubba she sometimes likes to try and rip my face off! (what is IT with these older dogs going after my delicate face???) Mom says Patches is in her own little world and I guess I would have to agree. Sometimes Patches barks at things that are not there and runs around in circles about 200 times before collapsing. But hey, she is great entertainment so I don't care how squirley she acts, she's having fun and so am I!

Yes I have a great many fur pals but I will admit, my all time favorite play mates are my three human siblings, Squeezy, Happy and Screechy. They might not have much fur, but they do barf on occasion and run around in circles and act completely mad, which makes them A-okay in this doggy's book!

So go hug your favorite Ani-pals today, afterall, think of how boring your life would be without them!

Until next time

Wags and Kisses

Lexi

IT'S OFFICIAL - HUMANS ARE WEIRD!

A strange new contraption has appeared in my house. It's called a "fish tank" Mom brought it home the other day and she and my big sis Squeezy put tiny little blue rocks and fake plants inside then filled it with water. Now they tell me that in a few days they plan to add some fish. Fish! In my house! Not fish to eat mind you, not fish to play with, but just fish to....watch. Mom says it will be "relaxing". I say it will be weird, and distracting, and I'm already being told if I put my wet nose on the glass and smear it all about I will get a whack!

This is just the latest in the string of really weird things my humans do and say. Things that just don't make sense to this dog. In fact, take the word "dog" for instance. In my world a dog is an adorable, smart, talented creature who requires constant pampering. But in the human world a "dog" can be many things. What I call a delicious tasty sausage, humans call a "hot dog". A hot dog???!!!! When I hear "hot dog" I'm thinking oh boy, is there a poor dog on fire??? Or, it's summer, and that is a hot dog! Or even, boy that lab across the street is sure a hot dog!! All those things make sense, the thought of a human eating a "hot dog" not only doesn't make sense, it's a bit scary! And sometimes a human will take a "hot dog" put it on a stick, cover it with deep fried cornmeal and call it a "corn dog"!!! Now how can that be right??? Wouldn't a "corn dog" actually mean a dog made out of corn?? Or a dog who lives in a corn field???

To add insult to injury humans even like to call an unattractive female a "dog"! Well thanks a lot people! I'll have you know we dogs are one of the most attractive, good looking creatures on this planet thank you very much! If you're looking for an animal to compare an icky looking person to try a cat or an iguana NOT a dog!

You two legged folks see no problem in using this odd language do you? But if a dog were to do the same I'm willing to bet you'd be mighty offended! How would you like it if instead of Kibbles and Bits we had a dog food called "Leg of Larry" or "Bits of Bob"?? And I can only imagine the uproar if we stuck one of you on a stick and deep fried you in batter!

It's not just dogs that get the brunt of your weirdness. Far be it from me to stick up for the feline population but I have to say that they too have been much maligned by the English language. An older female on the prowl for a younger man is called a "Cougar", a not so nice comment can be construed as being "catty". Then there are other confusing words, such as "catfish", which does not mean a fish that tastes like a cat. Supposedly it means a fish that LOOKS like a cat, though whoever came to that conclusion has some funny ideas of what a cat actually looks like! Last time I looked Bella didn't have any fins or scales - though maybe she's hiding them under all that fur!

Look, we dogs and cats love you guys, you feed us, pet us, spoil us, etc., but you have to be honest sometimes you are patently unfair to us as well. How come my dad can get away with passing all kinds of gas from every oriface of his body with nary a word from anyone, yet if I do the same I get shoved out of the house? And why is it all right for you humans to scratch in public, yet if I try to satisfy my own itches it's once again out the door with me? And the most confusing of all - why is it okay for you humans to get on the phone and yak yak yak, but if I go outside and try to chat up my anipal buddies with a good loud bark I get shouted at and/or whacked on the head? How would you feel if the next time you're flapping those jaws your dog came up and whacked you upside the head with a newspaper and told you to shut up? Yeah, wouldn't like it much would you? I thought not!

So I'm not asking for much here, just that maybe the next time you break out the grill to cook up some "dogs" remember your real dog, the kind that you hopefully would NOT eat. Call your dinner a "sausage" instead and cook up a couple for your precious pup. Remember, we may not be weird, but we think we're human too!

Till next time

Wags and Kisses from

Lexi

Christmas Times A-Comin' - But It's Locked Behind A Baby Gate!

Well folks time is running out for a Christmas Blog post from me and mom said I'd better get crackin' if I wanted to post this before the big man himself makes an appearance tonight! This is kind of a tough time of year for me actually. While I LOVE the presents and food (all of which you are welcome to send by the way!) there are some things I do not enjoy. People don't seem to realize that this time of year can be hard on us pets. For instance....This year my beloved and much deserved pressies seem to be held prisoner behind that God awful baby gate, which is actually surrounding the Christmas tree! It's been explained to me that this is to protect the tree from my little bro and sis, Happy and Screechy. But all I know is that a) I can't get to the tree to steal ornaments to chew; b) I can't get to my cat Bella who likes to hang out under the tree; and worse worse worse I CAN'T GET TO MY PRESSIES!!! It's driving me crazy people! There right in front of my nose are the most lovely, enticing, tasty smelling gifts and I can't reach them!!!! All I can do is lay in front of the tree and look sad and pitiful hoping someone will take pity on me and let me open at least one gift. So far no luck!

Pining for pressies is HARD work!

Then there is all the cooking going on in this house. Food Food Food everywhere! And do I get even a taste??? NO! I get shoved outside to play in the snow, which I actually don't mind except for the next disturbing thing that happens this time of year...which is....

That WEIRD white dude that appears in the yard every single time it snows! What is up with THAT??? All I know is that big sis Squeezy goes out and rolls a bunch of snow around and makes this huge fat guy in the yard, then puts her scarf and hat on him, sticks a carrot in his face and dances around like a nut singing about someone named Frosty. Don't know who Frosty is, but I do know that it is my sacred doggy duty to destroy that white dude every time he makes an appearance in my yard. I do get the most extreme satisfaction from knocking his round little head off and eating his carrot nose! Not sure why Squeezy has such a hissy fit about this. It's not like she can't make another one!

Tonight after everyone has gone to sleep and I'm snoozing soundly the big man himself, Santa will suddenly appear in front of the tree and scare the pee out of me! What sucks is I am not allowed to bark or tear his leg off or I will not get any more lovely pressies. So I have to sit there like a good dog while that rotten cat Bella sneers at me and calls me a big chicken because I won't attack Santa. Oh she'd love that wouldn't she?? Thinks she'd get all the pressies then! I'm on to you sister!

Thanks for making me a Gingerbread House mom!

I don't mean to make it sound like Christmas is one big scary hassle for us pets. There are some very good points to it after all. Like tasty poop-scicles in the snowy yard, sampling the yummy Gingerbread House and of course my lovely pressies! But most of all what I do love about this time of year is how nice everyone is, even to a big dog like myself! And I suppose in the Spirit of the season I will try to share some good will with that pesky little cat Bella, though I don't think she'll return the sentiment.

So be nice to your pets, buy them lots of pressies and from my big dog house to yours, have a very Merry Christmas!

Wags and kisses,

Lexi

Beware Of Little Squirrels With Big Nuts!

There is a big bad squirrel in my yard whom I will call Big Bad Bob. Bob is not your average puny
little squirrel, he is about the size of a small house cat and looks as vicious as a weasel. He comes scampering down from the trees in the backyard, scales the fence and buries his great big black walnuts in my territory! I am NOT pleased. Now it has been my lifelong ambition to kill a squirrel. I know some of you may be shocked by this and a little appalled because a lot of people have the misguided notion that squirrels are cute little furry creatures. Let me set you straight people. Squirrels are dangerous, crazy little heathens that will bite your face off if given half the chance! So I consider it my duty as a proper guard dog to rid my yard of the nasty little pests.

Just one teeny tiny little problem. I am a little bit afraid of Big Bad Bob. I am a big dog but I have a delicate nose that I hate to have bitten. Bella my cat knows this and she often goes for the nose when we have our many skirmishes. I am rather fond of my snout and would hate to have a squirrel bite it off and try to bury it in the yard like a black walnut! So I have to approach this particular varmint with care.

To make matters worse and to pile the pressure on me even more, just recently I have been showed up in the squirrel killing department by my grandma's dog, Bubba. Bubba is a rat terrier so naturally he has an advantage over me already, being bred to sniff out and destroy little creeps like squirrels and rats. He is 7 years old and I have tried numerous times to get him to teach me the fine art of squirrel assassination but unfortunately Bubba is a bit of a grouch and tries to kick my butt whenever I go near him. Bubba's sidekick, Grandma's other dog, Baby (who is a mini pin) jumps around beside him and chants, "kick her butt Bubba kick her butt!" NOT helpful to say the least!

Bubba, the Squirrel Assassin & His Faithful Sidekick Baby

So I am on my own I am afraid. But never fear I will figure out how to conquer Big Bad Bob and stop his nut hoarding if it's the last thing I do! And if all else fails maybe I can talk Bella into helping me out, she does pack quite a punch to the nose after all!

Wags and Kisses & Wish Me Luck!
Lexi

PS Mom has started another blog the crazy woman! It's a funny, spoof on the Little House books NOT to be taken seriously! So if you don't mind someone poking a little fun at an American icon (shame on you mom!) then take a look and become a follower! You can find it at:
http://lifestooshorttoliveinlittlehouses.blogspot.com/

Trick or Treats - But Not For Dogs!

So apparently there is this silly holiday coming up called Halloween. Even though I am two years old I haven't as yet paid much attention to this particular holiday but I have just been informed by my big sister Squeezy that Halloween is when human kids get to go door to door dressed up in costumes begging for treats. And they actually get them! Now when I beg for a treat sometimes I get one, but sometimes I just get a thunk and told to go lay down. How come I don't get to go trick or treating???

Mom says taking me trick or treating would probably not be a good idea. She says that some people might be a bit shocked or scared to open their door on a dark Halloween night and see a big black German Shepherd standing there with it's shiny sharp teeth open waiting for a treat. Well that's just plain silly! Like I'm gonna bite someone who's about to give me a tasty treat! Besides, if I could go trick or treating I wouldn't BE a German Shepherd, would I?? Because I'd be in costume, I might go as a cat for instance! A big cat, mind you, but a cat all the same!

This whole thing just seems incredibly unfair. Even the babies, Happy and Screechy are going trick or treating and they can't even eat proper food yet! All that candy going to waste! Now I know we dogs cannot have chocolate, but I do so love other candy. Particularly Nerds! I lovvveee Nerds! And Skittles and anything else fruity and hard! Last Christmas I helped mom and Squeezy make a Gingerbread House. And when I say helped I mean that I waited till everyone went to bed and then I ate every last bit of hard candy off that adorable little house! Sis and mom were not happy with me but it was sooooo good!

So anyway, I guess this Halloween I will be stuck at home in a dark house all alone with just Bella the cat for company while the rest of the family goes out trick or treating. Then later on Dad will probably put on some scary mask and chase me around the house until I bite him. That's usually all I get from this lousy holiday. But I am consoling myself with the thought that the next two holidays are Thanksgiving and Christmas and I will get to stuff myself full of good food and probably won't have to beg at all.

In the meantime, if there are any Nerds or Skittles rattling around in my siblings trick or treat bags I will sniff them out and in the dead of night, they will be mine, oh yesss, they will be mine!!!

Happy Halloween you crazy humans!

Wags and kisses,
Lexi