Christmas Times A-Comin' - But It's Locked Behind A Baby Gate!

Well folks time is running out for a Christmas Blog post from me and mom said I'd better get crackin' if I wanted to post this before the big man himself makes an appearance tonight! This is kind of a tough time of year for me actually. While I LOVE the presents and food (all of which you are welcome to send by the way!) there are some things I do not enjoy. People don't seem to realize that this time of year can be hard on us pets. For instance....This year my beloved and much deserved pressies seem to be held prisoner behind that God awful baby gate, which is actually surrounding the Christmas tree! It's been explained to me that this is to protect the tree from my little bro and sis, Happy and Screechy. But all I know is that a) I can't get to the tree to steal ornaments to chew; b) I can't get to my cat Bella who likes to hang out under the tree; and worse worse worse I CAN'T GET TO MY PRESSIES!!! It's driving me crazy people! There right in front of my nose are the most lovely, enticing, tasty smelling gifts and I can't reach them!!!! All I can do is lay in front of the tree and look sad and pitiful hoping someone will take pity on me and let me open at least one gift. So far no luck!

Pining for pressies is HARD work!

Then there is all the cooking going on in this house. Food Food Food everywhere! And do I get even a taste??? NO! I get shoved outside to play in the snow, which I actually don't mind except for the next disturbing thing that happens this time of year...which is....

That WEIRD white dude that appears in the yard every single time it snows! What is up with THAT??? All I know is that big sis Squeezy goes out and rolls a bunch of snow around and makes this huge fat guy in the yard, then puts her scarf and hat on him, sticks a carrot in his face and dances around like a nut singing about someone named Frosty. Don't know who Frosty is, but I do know that it is my sacred doggy duty to destroy that white dude every time he makes an appearance in my yard. I do get the most extreme satisfaction from knocking his round little head off and eating his carrot nose! Not sure why Squeezy has such a hissy fit about this. It's not like she can't make another one!

Tonight after everyone has gone to sleep and I'm snoozing soundly the big man himself, Santa will suddenly appear in front of the tree and scare the pee out of me! What sucks is I am not allowed to bark or tear his leg off or I will not get any more lovely pressies. So I have to sit there like a good dog while that rotten cat Bella sneers at me and calls me a big chicken because I won't attack Santa. Oh she'd love that wouldn't she?? Thinks she'd get all the pressies then! I'm on to you sister!

Thanks for making me a Gingerbread House mom!

I don't mean to make it sound like Christmas is one big scary hassle for us pets. There are some very good points to it after all. Like tasty poop-scicles in the snowy yard, sampling the yummy Gingerbread House and of course my lovely pressies! But most of all what I do love about this time of year is how nice everyone is, even to a big dog like myself! And I suppose in the Spirit of the season I will try to share some good will with that pesky little cat Bella, though I don't think she'll return the sentiment.

So be nice to your pets, buy them lots of pressies and from my big dog house to yours, have a very Merry Christmas!

Wags and kisses,

Lexi

Beware Of Little Squirrels With Big Nuts!

There is a big bad squirrel in my yard whom I will call Big Bad Bob. Bob is not your average puny
little squirrel, he is about the size of a small house cat and looks as vicious as a weasel. He comes scampering down from the trees in the backyard, scales the fence and buries his great big black walnuts in my territory! I am NOT pleased. Now it has been my lifelong ambition to kill a squirrel. I know some of you may be shocked by this and a little appalled because a lot of people have the misguided notion that squirrels are cute little furry creatures. Let me set you straight people. Squirrels are dangerous, crazy little heathens that will bite your face off if given half the chance! So I consider it my duty as a proper guard dog to rid my yard of the nasty little pests.

Just one teeny tiny little problem. I am a little bit afraid of Big Bad Bob. I am a big dog but I have a delicate nose that I hate to have bitten. Bella my cat knows this and she often goes for the nose when we have our many skirmishes. I am rather fond of my snout and would hate to have a squirrel bite it off and try to bury it in the yard like a black walnut! So I have to approach this particular varmint with care.

To make matters worse and to pile the pressure on me even more, just recently I have been showed up in the squirrel killing department by my grandma's dog, Bubba. Bubba is a rat terrier so naturally he has an advantage over me already, being bred to sniff out and destroy little creeps like squirrels and rats. He is 7 years old and I have tried numerous times to get him to teach me the fine art of squirrel assassination but unfortunately Bubba is a bit of a grouch and tries to kick my butt whenever I go near him. Bubba's sidekick, Grandma's other dog, Baby (who is a mini pin) jumps around beside him and chants, "kick her butt Bubba kick her butt!" NOT helpful to say the least!

Bubba, the Squirrel Assassin & His Faithful Sidekick Baby

So I am on my own I am afraid. But never fear I will figure out how to conquer Big Bad Bob and stop his nut hoarding if it's the last thing I do! And if all else fails maybe I can talk Bella into helping me out, she does pack quite a punch to the nose after all!

Wags and Kisses & Wish Me Luck!
Lexi

PS Mom has started another blog the crazy woman! It's a funny, spoof on the Little House books NOT to be taken seriously! So if you don't mind someone poking a little fun at an American icon (shame on you mom!) then take a look and become a follower! You can find it at:
http://lifestooshorttoliveinlittlehouses.blogspot.com/

Trick or Treats - But Not For Dogs!

So apparently there is this silly holiday coming up called Halloween. Even though I am two years old I haven't as yet paid much attention to this particular holiday but I have just been informed by my big sister Squeezy that Halloween is when human kids get to go door to door dressed up in costumes begging for treats. And they actually get them! Now when I beg for a treat sometimes I get one, but sometimes I just get a thunk and told to go lay down. How come I don't get to go trick or treating???

Mom says taking me trick or treating would probably not be a good idea. She says that some people might be a bit shocked or scared to open their door on a dark Halloween night and see a big black German Shepherd standing there with it's shiny sharp teeth open waiting for a treat. Well that's just plain silly! Like I'm gonna bite someone who's about to give me a tasty treat! Besides, if I could go trick or treating I wouldn't BE a German Shepherd, would I?? Because I'd be in costume, I might go as a cat for instance! A big cat, mind you, but a cat all the same!

This whole thing just seems incredibly unfair. Even the babies, Happy and Screechy are going trick or treating and they can't even eat proper food yet! All that candy going to waste! Now I know we dogs cannot have chocolate, but I do so love other candy. Particularly Nerds! I lovvveee Nerds! And Skittles and anything else fruity and hard! Last Christmas I helped mom and Squeezy make a Gingerbread House. And when I say helped I mean that I waited till everyone went to bed and then I ate every last bit of hard candy off that adorable little house! Sis and mom were not happy with me but it was sooooo good!

So anyway, I guess this Halloween I will be stuck at home in a dark house all alone with just Bella the cat for company while the rest of the family goes out trick or treating. Then later on Dad will probably put on some scary mask and chase me around the house until I bite him. That's usually all I get from this lousy holiday. But I am consoling myself with the thought that the next two holidays are Thanksgiving and Christmas and I will get to stuff myself full of good food and probably won't have to beg at all.

In the meantime, if there are any Nerds or Skittles rattling around in my siblings trick or treat bags I will sniff them out and in the dead of night, they will be mine, oh yesss, they will be mine!!!

Happy Halloween you crazy humans!

Wags and kisses,
Lexi

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Today I am two years old! I am hoping for a cake, ice cream and prezzies later, we'll see if mom and dad come through!

In honor of my birthday I thought it would be nice to share my life story with you! It's been a great two years and it all started at Cher Car Kennels in St. Johns, Michigan where I was born on September 15, 2008. My mom, Shelby, had ten pups total, 7 boys and 3 girls. She has since had another litter with eleven more pups!! She deserves her own reality show on TLC, don't ya think?

My Mom Shelby. Don't we look alike??

My dad was Gamble, a big beautiful male shepherd who has fathered a whole lot of pups! He gets around that old boy! I didn't see much of my dad, he was kept in a separate kennel but he looked pretty impressive to me! My siblings and I had lots of fun with each other, play fighting, smelling each other's butts, you know, the usual dog stuff!

The Big Man Himself! My daddy, Gamble.

Me and my siblings. I am in this pile somewhere!


Just look for the cutest one, that's me!

When I was around 6 weeks old my human family paid a visit to Cher Car Kennels to pick out a pup. I would like to be able to say that they took one look at me and fell right in love and said I was THE one. But no. They picked one of my sisters instead! I was heartbroken, after all, my human mom picked me up and I peed all over her! I thought we had a connection! To be fair, later on mom did say that she had her eye on me and thought I looked like the kind of dog she wanted but she got out voted by dad and my big human sis Maddie (aka Squeezy). Thanks A LOT guys!!

Two weeks passed and then mom and dad and Squeezy came back to pick up their pup. A lot had changed in two weeks. I was still my wonderful special self, only even better. My doggie sis on the other hand had turned into a whiny, howling mess! Mom and dad took one look, or rather one earful of her and looked at each other in despair. My breeder Cheryl told them to take another look at all us pups before they made their final choice. That's when mom looked at me and said, "That one!"

I was thrilled to have been chosen! Okay, actually I had no idea what was about to happen to me and probably would have FREAKED if I'd known I was being taken away from my mom and siblings. But I was blissfully unaware as mom carried me to the car for the ride home. It wasn't long before I realized something weird was happening. Mom held me all the way home but that didn't stop me from crying and shaking all the way there. I didn't know who these people were, I just knew that suddenly I was in a big moving thing and my big black mama was nowhere in sight!

We made it home without me peeing on mom this time and they took me right outside to the big backyard. I was VERY impressed! Lots of grass, lots of trees, and lots of room to poop! My kinda yard! After a quick pee and a dump they took me back inside to show me around and introduce me to my new furry sister, Bella the cat.

Bella had just been added to the family herself, only one week before. She was four months old so she wasn't a tiny kitten but she wasn't a full grown cat by any means. Bella took one look at me and before I could even give her a friendly hello slobber that cat took off like a bat out of hell! I didn't see her again for about 4 days! Eventually we became the best of friends and she even let me sit on her and put her head in my mouth occasionally. (and I must say, back in those early days it was much easier to fit her head in my mouth. Her head has grown considerably in these last two years unfortunately).

Me and Bella, with her paw in my mouth. She loves it, really!

Mom and dad let me roam around a little but I was very nervous and scared and so I got lots of cuddles. That first night was bad, very bad! When it got dark mom gave me kisses and then put me a in big cage in the dining room. The lights went out and I was left alone!!! So I did what any normal 8 week old pup would do - I howled like a mad wolf dog! Mom came running, got me quiet then went back to bed. So I howled again. I kept up howling until finally mom let me sleep with her on the couch.

Just call me a couch potato!

The next morning I was told that would not work. I would have to learn to sleep in my kennel like a good pup. That night back into the cage I went. And that night, I howled again. This time I got to spend the entire night on mom and dad's bed! I was starting to like this bedtime business!

The next day mom read on the computer that you should put the dog's kennel next to your bed at night, so the next night I found myself back in the cage, but this time I was right next to my new mom. I could hear her, smell her, feel her pat me in the night. And I finally learned to sleep like a real dog! Until, that is, Bella the night stalker struck!

Bella the Night Stalker!

That crazy insane cat would sleep all day and prowl around all night. This is what cat's do for some ungodly reason. They don't have the sense to sleep at night like us dogs and humans do. No, at night they stay awake so they can bug the hell out of us! So there I am, this sweet little innocent pup trying to catch some shut eye in my cozy kennel when from out of nowhere, between the wires of my cage, comes this very long, very sharp cat claw!!! I nearly jumped out of my skin! I looked up into two shining creepy green eyes! That furry monster was on top of my kennel, ready to strike again!

I howled for mom and didn't stop howling until she got up and evicted that wretched kitten from the room. I tried to get back to sleep but from that point on I really wanted no part of that kennel. I much preferred to sleep on the couch or with Squeezy so I could retaliate quickly should that furry fiend attack again.

Just put your head in my mouth cat!

I'd like to be able to say my puppyhood went by without a snag, that I was a model pup, but truth be told I was a bit naughty. Actually, the term "vicious alligator" was mentioned quite a bit. You see, we pups like to bite and nip our doggy moms, it's how we show her love. And in return, she bites and nips and licks us and all is good! Only, humans don't seem to like the biting and nipping so much. Especially when it's done to your face. And your ears. And it draws blood! Mom tells me that I came verrrry close to losing my happy home when I was around 10 weeks old. I was a bit unruly, standoffish, and very very very bitey! Squeezy was afraid of me, she'd run screaming away from me when I tried to play with her because apparently my play involved biting her hard on the hand and making her bleed! Then there was the time I played with dad and bit his ear and made that bleed. And the time I jumped up to greet my mom and bit her on the nose and made that bleed! (are you understanding the vicious alligator bit by now?)

Me & Squeezy once she stopped being afraid of me!

Is this the face of an alligator??

Dad wanted to send me back to the breeder. He said there must be something wrong with me because he'd had Shepherds when he grew up and they were nothing like me. I had no way of letting dad know that what was going on was I was just struggling to get used to my new family and home. I was too young to understand yet that biting hurts and that people really don't like to bleed! Luckily for me mom had fallen head over heels in love with me and wanted to stick with me. So she and dad started working with me day after day to teach me not to bite and also to teach me who was boss. Boss was mom and dad and not me! And Squeezy was my sister and not my chew toy. And Bella was my sister, but I could still use her as a chew toy when no one was looking! (ha ha just kidding mom and dad!) *wink *wink

While I was being taught not to chew people's faces off I was also being housebroken. This I was pretty good at. I learned pretty quickly to pee and poop outside and had only a few accidents. Unless you count the numerous times I got excited when playing and piddled on Squeezy's bean bag chair. (don't worry I eventually outgrew that!)

My favorite sleeping position, which mom says is not very lady like!

Puppyhood has flown by and I can't believe I am now two whole years old! Mom and dad say I still act like a puppy and they are so glad because I am so much fun now. I don't bite anymore and I am comfortable sleeping just about anywhere in the entire house as long as it's not in a cage! I am looking forward to growing old with my dear old mom and dad and my sibs Bella, Squeezy, Happy and Screechy. I am one lucky dog!

And now for my cake and presents!!!!

Wags and kisses,
from 2 year old Lexi!

What Did I Ever Do To Montezuma??

I hate to be indelicate, but I have what is commonly referred to as "Montezuma's Revenge"! Otherwise known as the Hershey Squirts, the Runs, Anal Leakage, or if you want to be politically correct you could say I am currently "fecally challenged".

I don't know what has caused this most recent bout of doggy drips, but I sure wish it would end! Most likely I ate something I shouldn't have. Can't imagine what it could have been, but I do know it probably wasn't dog food because I haven't been eating much of that garbage lately! Yes I have been getting lots of tasty human food lately plus a big helping of Bella's cat food whenever I can steal some. Mom is not happy, she says this cannot continue and she is going to call the VET! She says she is going to ask him for a diet for me, something healthy and nourishing, something GOOD for dogs. Blech! Can't wait to see what my evil nemesis will recommend. (that's sarcasm by the way in case you hadn't guessed!)

All I know is that I have to get my digestive system restored before next week when I turn 2 years old. I am looking forward to my birthday party and lots of cake and ice cream and presents! So Montezuma you need to take your revenge and hit the road so I can party like a real dog should!

Gotta run (literally!)

Wags and kisses,
Lexi

School Stinks!

Today was the first day of school for my big sis Squeezy. She is going into the 3rd grade, which means that pretty soon she will know almost as much as I do! I do not like school because it takes my big sis away from me for almost the entire day! And not just one day either, like a zillion days, and I am left to lie around and mope until she comes home in the late afternoon. Whoever invented this school thing (and something tells me they are a cat person!) is no friend of mine!

It wasn't always so bad. I remember when I was a little pup I got to go with mom to take Squeezy to school and to pick her up. I had so much fun riding in the van to school, then mom would put the leash on me and we would walk up to the building to wait for sis to appear. I loved showing off, playing and barking and rolling around in front of everyone. And of course I soaked up the compliments that came my way from all the other moms and dads. Then the doors would finally open and all the kids would spill out. They all came running for me but I only had eyes for my Squeezy! She would run up and hug the daylights out of me and we would kiss kiss kiss! But then I got too big and the other moms got nervous for some reason and my mom had to leave me at home. Sometimes it sucks growing up!

Mom says I need to cheer up because I still have Happy and Screechy to play with. I guess she's right, although to tell you the truth I am noticing a disturbing development with those two. They are starting to move about and when they move about they come after me and pull my hair and tail and Screechy especially tries to eat me! What's that all about????

But I guess mom is right, I better enjoy it while it lasts because in no time at all that awful school will take away my little bro and sis too. And THEN what will I do????

Wags and kisses from this sad little (or not so little) pup
Lexi

Why Does My Dog Do That???

If you are a dog, like me, many are the times you hear "Why do you do things like this???" when all you are doing is behaving like your normal wonderful self. As a species you humans are so difficult to figure out, we dogs however, shouldn't be that hard, but apparently to you guys some of what we do remains a mystery. That is why I have decided to answer some simple questions about some of the things we dogs do that have you humans flummoxed.

Question: Why does my dog feel the need to follow me to the bathroom every time I go, and why does he have to sit outside the door and whine and cry until I come out?

Answer: The reason we do this is because we are afraid you will go in there and not come back out! We've seen with our own eyes how that thing you call the toilet (and what we call our extra water bowl) will suddenly make a hideous noise, swirl around like crazy and then whatever is inside it disappears! Who would feed us if that were to happen to you? And an even more important question, how can I stuff Bella in there? (kidding!)

Question: Sometimes my dog runs around in circles for no apparent reason. What does this mean?

Answer: It could mean your dog is bored and needs you to play with him, or give him a cuddle. Then again it could just mean your dog is very weird!

Question: Why does my dog suddenly go crazy and run around like a maniac?

Answer: We like to play "mad dog" and "crazy wolf"! Those are our favorite games, aside from "eat the cat". Besides running around like a maniac is very therapeutic! Try it sometime!

Question: Why does my dog seem to worship my husband when I, the wife, am the one caring for my dog all day? What's my husband got that I don't have?

Answer: Your husband is the alpha male, you as the wife are the alpha female, but in the doggy world males come first (sorry, it sucks I know, but that's the rule!) So we kiss daddy first and love on him like crazy then you get your turn. But don't worry! If we are sick and feel pukey then the rules reverse and we come find you! Feel better now??

Question: Why does my dog go out to pee, then two seconds later come in and pee all over my floor??

Answer: If your dog is doing this suddenly he could be sick, take him to the wretched evil vet ASAP! If however your dog does this all the time he's just messing with you for a laugh! Sometimes we are naughty like that! (on a serious note, any time your dog doesn't seem "right" take him to the vet, better safe than sorry!)

Question: Do you think it bothers my dog that he/she is fixed and will never have puppies?

Answer: You can't miss what you've never known, right??? Just give us lots of our own little stuffed lovies to chew on and we won't miss the pups we never had!

Question: Lexi, is it true that you are the most awesome, beautiful, smart, talented dog on the planet?

Answer: Why, yes, yes it is! Thanks for pointing that out! xoxoxoxo

Question: Why does my dog sometimes stare at me for long periods of time and I can't figure out what they are trying to tell me?

Answer: When we do this we are trying to read your mind and more often than not we can't find anything worth reading! (ouch, that was a bit "catty" wasn't it??)

Question: Why do you like to put Bella's head in your mouth?

Answer: Because that's the only part that will fit!

Question: Why do you eat poop??? It's so gross!

Answer: Hey, I eat poop, you people smoke cigarettes & cigars and drink nasty beer, etc! To each his own!

Question: Why does my dog turn around three times when he has to poop or lay down to sleep?

Answer: Sorry, that's a closely guarded doggy secret! I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you so let's let it drop!

That's all I have for now! If you have any doggy mysteries you can't figure out, post them to me and I'll see if I can help unravel the mystery for you!

Till next time

Wags and kisses
Lexi

The Joy of Sniffing

I like to sniff butts. What dog doesn't?? Butt sniffing, in case you weren't aware, is one of the best forms of communication/information gathering out there. By sniffing another dog or cats butt I can find out many things. Such as, what did they just eat? Where have they been? Who have they been with? When was the last time they bothered to clean themselves?? (not naming any names but you stinky guys know who you are!)

An example: the other day my cat Bella came in from her usual all night tramp. As she ran for her food dish I dashed after her and stuck my nose under her butt for a good long sniff. She doesn't really seem to enjoy this since my snout usually lifts her rump off the ground as she's running and we end up with a wheel barrel effect, but what must be done, must be done! From my quick sniff I was able to ascertain the following: Bella had eaten a mouse sometime in the night, got into a scrap with a nasty old tom cat, chased a few bugs, taken about three dozen baths, and slept in a pile of grass clippings. There ya go! How many of you are able to find out that much information by sniffing around??? Sorry humans, you just don't have the gift, but I sincerely wish you did!

In fact, it is my sincere opinion that many of the world's problems could be solved by some simple butt sniffing. Why if the members of congress would take just a few minutes out of every day to run around the room sniffing each other's butts there would not be arguments over taxes, health care, the war. Heck, there wouldn't even be a war if butt sniffing were in effect!! In my perfect world President Obama and the other world leaders would gather around in the Oval office and the butt sniffing would commence. Then there would be harmony. Trust me on this people!

Even the most uptight of all humans would melt into perfectly lovable, huggable lovies with just a sniff of the snout. The Queen of England is a bit stiff if you haven't noticed. Why??? Because she doesn't sniff butts!! At least not in public! Maybe in private she's different. She is a horsey/doggy person after all, so maybe she and Prince Philip and Charles and Camilla run around their palaces sniffing until they are delirious. I do have it on good authority that Winston Churchill was a butt sniffer but that's a closely guarded secret amongst us dogs so keep it under your hat!

Yes all the trials and tribulations out there, from wars, and bullying and table tossing and chinchilla chasing would be put to rest if you silly human beings would lighten the heck up, get your noses out of the air and into each other's butts.

But knowing you all like I do I'm not holding my breath. I am however going to go sniff some butts!

Wags and Kisses,
Lexi

A conversation with Happy & Screechy

Most of you are familiar with my little bro and sis, Happy and Screechy. They are six month old human twins who are fast becoming two of my best buds. Along with our big sis Squeezy we have loads of fun, especially as they grow bigger. You might not believe it but Happy and Screechy are great conversationalists with just about as many opinions as I have. So I recently sat down with them for a chat and they agreed to let me feature it on my blog.

Me: Hello Happy, hello Screechy! How are you today?

Happy: Wonderful, I have gas! (sounds & smells are emitting from his tushy!)

Screechy: I'm good but he stinks as usual!

Me: So what are your plans for the day?

Happy: I'm gonna pass some more gas, eat a little, belch, play, pinch Screechy, pull your fur, cry, roll over, sleep, then possibly pass more gas.

Screechy: (scowls at Happy in disgust) You're an animal! I plan to eat, cry, whine, spit up, poop, sleep. Then wake up, whine, eat, spit up and poop again. You don't see me farting my day away like Happy does!

Me: You know I have a blog and I often tell stories about you two and Squeezy. Just wondering, what do you think of me?

Happy: You're a good pup, fun to play with and lay on and I like it when you lick my face and feet!

Screechy: You're good for drooling on that's for sure and I don't mind a good foot lick now and again. But do you really have to keep licking my face, especially right after you've licked your butt? It's beyond gross!

Me: Oh sorry Screechy! I'll try to stick to your feet if I can! So what is your opinion of Bella our cat?

Happy: We have a cat??

Screechy: Of course we do you dope! It's that furry white thing that comes in at night and lays beside you until Lexi tries to eat it.

Happy: Oh yes, I remember now! Great snuggler that one!

Me: Hmmmph! I thought I was your favorite snuggler??

Happy: Oh don't be offended Lex! You'll always be our favorite, promise!

Screechy: Yeah, even though you do tend to fart even more than Happy or Daddy. Must run in this family apparently.

Me: Yes, I think it does! Great for clearing a room. I noticed the two of you are almost sitting up by yourselves now! It won't be long before you're crawling!

Happy: Yes I can't wait! But mom says when that happens we will be put in a cage! What are we, animals??

Screechy: Yes, Happy, I think we are! But that's okay, I'm sure Lexi will join us in our baby cage for lots of fun and mischief, won't you dear?

Me: Absolutely! We'll be able to plan all kinds of neat things to do! Mom might not like them but then that's what makes them fun! Well it looks like mom wants the two of you to nap now so I'll say bye for now!

Happy: Nap??? But I'm not through farting yet!

Screechy: Nap, yeah right! Mom's soooo naive!!!!

Me: Bye guys, sleep well and I'll give you both a good foot licking when you wake!

And then mom took them away for a snooze, which is what's next on my own agenda! Hope you enjoyed the chat with my babies, we'll talk again soon!

Wags and kisses, and farts and scowls,
Lexi, Happy and Screechy

To Chase...or Not to Chase...

We have the good fortune to have a railroad track running behind our house. It's barely used which my mom and dad say is a good thing. I say it's a rotten thing. Because...I...LOVE....to chase trains!!!!! I come by this obsession naturally as it is a well known fact that my dear old dad is also an avid train chaser. Why he's been known to nearly crash the car in order to get a glimpse of a steam engine chugging down a country track. So when I hear that loud whistle coming I go into near hysterics until I get let outside and can give chase!

Now of course I don't make much progress since our yard happens to be fenced in, but I do what I can, racing back and forth the length of the lawn barking with mad joy at the huge incredibly noisy rumbly train. In the summer time my view is mostly blocked by the trees and bushes that grow between our fence and the tracks, but in the winter I get a glorious view of my prey. It always gets away though and I am left to stand forlornly and sad while it rumbles out of view.

But fortunately for me there are lots of other things to chase! Bella the cat is a great chase-ee, but she is a bit fast and if she's in a bad mood I get a swipe on the nose for my efforts. Plus once I catch her and try to have a good chew I usually end up getting hurt. She just doesn't seem to understand this is supposed to be FUN.

Unlike a lot of dogs I do not chase cars, mainly because I lack access to them. I am kept safely locked up in the back yard so I can just watch the cars go by and dream of what it must be like. Car chasing is a bit risky and I don't recommend it, like train chasing it's best to simply "pretend" to chase cars. Unless, of course you are talking about the electric toy cars like my sister Squeezy drives! Now those are a blast to chase! I love to act like a rabid mad dog and attack the tires while Squeezy drives around the yard screaming like a maniac! This most often brings mom out of the house shouting at us to stop acting so loud and crazy but we usually carry on anyway!

Recently I discovered the joys of chasing bicycle tires while Squeezy rides around the yard. For some reason she doesn't seem to enjoy this as much as the toy car chase and she screams in a most unhappy way and I get grounded to the house. The same thing happens when mom is riding the lawn tractor and I go after those tires. Or the vacuum or mop or broom. Apparently there are just some things that are okay to chase and some things that are not!

We dogs each and every day are faced with the overpowering need to chase things, it's natural for us and suppressing this urge is not easy! So the next time your dog takes off after your lawn mower, tricycle or precious little cat, don't shout and get angry. Maybe try a little chasing yourself and see how lovely it feels. Who knows, you just might find yourself hooked, just like your dog!

Wags and kisses,
Lexi

Better Tasting Than Ever!

Let me start by saying I am a picky eater. There. I said it, so no one (meaning you mom and dad) needs to keep pointing that out to me. I am well aware that I have a habit of turning my nose up at the food that is set before me. But that's mainly because the food set before me is, to put it quite simply, crap! Dog food is just not that tasty folks! Despite what many people seem to think, we dogs aren't hopping for joy when you put those hard little chunks or slimy oozy globs of mushy stuff in our bowls. Now you may be one of those people whose dog scarfs down their dog food the second it's set before them. But the truth is, your dog isn't scarfing the food down because they love the taste. No, they are scarfing it down because they are afraid someone else might eat it! These dogs, who I'm sad to say aren't always that clever, seem to think that another dog, the cat, the bird, or even you dear human, might actually eat the food before they can. They aren't eager to eat, they are just really greedy and a little bit daft.

Speaking of daft...dog food makers seem to think they can put one over on all you wonderful dog moms and dads out there by making you think that their food "tastes great"! In fact, right now in my kitchen, sits a big bag of dog food that claims it is "Better Tasting Than Ever!" Just who, I would like to know, has determined this? Do the dog food companies have an actual person who tastes this stuff and decides it tastes great?? Or do they have a dog that does the tasting? Well if it is a dog it has to be a lab, since it's a well known fact those pigs will eat anything! (My apologies to my lab friends, but you know it's true!)

My mom and dad have tried just about every dog food out there on me. And I'm proud to say they've not found one I like yet! They say I'm picky, I like to think of it as having a "discriminating palate". In my almost two short years I've tried Iams, Science Diet, Purina Puppy Chow, Chicken Soup for the Pet Lovers Soul Dog food (yes, there is such a thing!), Beneful, Kibbles and Bits, Pedigree, Ol' Roy, Grandma's Recipes, Alpo, and zillions of other forgotten brands. But not one tastes as good as cat food! In fact, why do these dog food companies waste so much money on dog food tasters when they would save everyone a load of trouble by just making a dog food that tastes like cat food!! Because ALL dogs love cat food, it's scrumptious! Some really stupid dogs think cat food tastes good because it has cats as the main ingredient, but I happen to know that is not true. I've tasted my cat Bella plenty of times and she tastes nothing like Cat Chow!

Now my mom and dad (and I) know that conventional dog training wisdom says to get your dog to eat properly you must stick to one food and insist your dog eat it and if they don't then they go hungry till the next feeding time. And at different times in my life my folks have tried that but being the soft hearted lovies that they are they always give in. All I have to do is look very sad and pitiful and they cave and I get McDonald's! In case you didn't already realize this, looking sad and pitiful will get you a lot of things if you play it just right, the way we dogs do. My sad and pitiful looks have gotten me some really good grub, treats, toys and belly rubs! If you don't believe me try it next time you ask your boss for a raise and see if it works!

Before you worry that I am wasting away here, I DO manage to eat and my vet says I'm a good weight and very healthy. I will eat my dry kibble on the sly when no one is looking and I enjoy the odd can of slimy goo now and again. And I guess if I was being totally forthcoming I would admit that should my folks really decide to put their foot down and make me eat one food and one food alone I would do it. Because afterall, I am a dog, and we do love to eat! But lets keep that little fact a secret shall we? 'Cuz right now I have a real hankering for a burger and fries with a side of Whiskas! Time to put my starving sad face on!

Wags and kisses
Lexi

Tales From the Vet

I recently paid a visit to the torture chamber I call the Vet's office. I didn't know I was going to the vets, I usually have no idea. This is because my devious mom doesn't tell me I am going to the vets. Instead she claps her hands and uses her best baby talk voice and says, "Who wants to go bye-bye? Wanna go bye-bye?" And of course, like a fool, I jump up and down and turn in circles and bark and act like a complete nutter because who doesn't want to go bye-bye afterall?? Only we're not going bye-bye, we're going to the stinking vets! Here's a newsflash mom and all you other humans: Going to the vet IS NOT THE SAME as going bye-bye!

It's not just the torture I object to, it's the being lied to. Don't get me all excited and make it sound like I'm going somewhere fun like the park or grandma's house! Tell me the truth. Say, "Listen Lexi, we're going to the vets office where you'll be poked and prodded and they'll stick you with sharp needles and put things up your butt. Sorry pal!" Will I freak out? Of course I will! Will you have to drag me to the car by my leash? Of course you will! But at least you will be being honest, and honesty is the best policy, don't you agree?

So I went to see the devil - I mean the vet - and first thing they do is try to weigh me. Now I am not a moron, I KNOW the scale won't hurt me. It's just that I don't WANT to stand on it. So that's why I plant myself on the floor and get dragged by my leash and cajoled and baby talked onto the scale. Truth be told this is the high point of my visit, I get a big kick out of making it difficult and since the rest of the visit pretty much sucks I take my pleasure where I can! After I am told what a big girl I am, I am then dragged down the hall to an examining room where the vet tech pretends to be nice and gives me a treat that I refuse to eat. Because like I said, I am no moron. I fell for that treat business in the beginning when I was a young pup, before I realized that each and every time I went to this crazy place I was going to get jabbed and otherwise violated in my nether-regions. So now I refuse to take their evil bait. Instead I jump on mom and whimper and try to break down the door, which doesn't go over well.

After failing to bribe me the evil vet tech leaves the room and then HE comes in. The vet. Oh sure he pretends to be nice, but I know what is in store for me. Sure enough he puts his hands ALL over me, squeezes me here and there, pries open my mouth and looks at my teeth. Then he has the audacity to tell my mom that I am a "short statured shepherd"! Jerk! After calling me a midget the vet then proceeds to poke me with sharp needles and stick something up my butt. Of course I whine and complain and carry on and they talk baby talk and keep trying to bribe me again with treats.

Some visits are worse than others. Aside from getting poked in various places the other thing I hate is getting my nails clipped. This happens at least once a month. And once I even had to have a nail cauterized after tearing it off outside while playing. Do you know what cauterizing involves? It is BURNING your poor little claw to stop the bleeding! Cripes I'd rather bleed all over the place! Imagine ripping your fingernail and someone pulls out a blow torch to fix it! Now you have some idea what I went through!

I do understand that we animals need our vaccines and treatments in order to stay healthy but that doesn't mean we have to like it. Ever notice how much we dogs carry on at the vets? As humans you just hear a lot of barking and whining, but if you could speak dog you would hear things like "Help! I'm being murdered!" and "You're going to put WHAT in my WHAT??"

I've just been told that later on this month I have another vet appointment for yet another vaccine. Hopefully we will have none of this bye-bye business and we can just get it over with. Let's also hope my nether-regions will not be violated at this visit and I won't be bribed with cheap treats. And maybe one of these days humans will figure out a way to make vet visits more pleasant. Until then my butt will be planted on the floor and they'll have to drag me to the torture chamber because I won't go quietly and neither should you!

Till next time

Wags and kisses,

Lexi

Well I humbly stand corrected!

The results of my non - scientific poll are in and apparently it is true! I DO NOTHING all day but eat and sleep! If you don't believe me here is a look at mom's day as compared to mine:

Mom:

3 am, up with Happy & Screechy, back to bed @4 am

Me: sleep

Mom: 5 am, up with H & S, back to bed @ 6 am

Me: chase cat briefly, have a munch, a pee and sleep

Mom: up @ 8 am, feed & change H & S, fix breakfast, wash bottles, do laundry

Me: eat, scratch, poop, sleep

Mom: 10 am, clean up the house, continue laundry, watch H & S, write grocery list

Me: sleep

Mom: 12 noon, grocery shopping, eat lunch, more laundry, take care of H & S

Me: eat, pee, scratch, sleep

Mom: more cleaning, more laundry, more H & S for most of afternoon

Me: eat, poop, scratch, play, sleep

and so on and so forth. I think you get the picture! Actually to be fair to myself I do more than just eat and sleep as you can see. I do scratch, pee, poop, play and harass the cat also! So you really cannot call me a lazy dog can you? :P

Now I've got to go eat poop and sleep! (which also happens to be the title of the next Julia Roberts film by the way!)

Wags and kisses,

Lexi

Me?? Do Nothing???

So I was recently informed that I do nothing all day but sleep and eat!! I HIGHLY doubt this is accurate so I plan to keep track over a day and see if this is true! Stay tuned.....

How To Be A Helpful Pet

I know how hard some of you humans out there work and you deserve a pet who makes your life easier don't you think? So that's why I've put together a helpful list of tips for your pet to help them remember how they can lend a hand. Maybe post them over their food bowls for easy reference!

HOW TO BE A HELPFUL PET

1. When taking a drink from your water bowl remember to slurp as much water as possible over the floor. This helps with mopping! (small breed dogs may need to drool a bit to accomplish this as they are not very good slurpers!)

2. Make sure to smudge the front windows of your house or car. It makes washing the windows worthwhile and your human won't feel like they are wasting their time!

3. You may want to track mud in the house each and every day but DON'T! Wait until your human has just mopped the floor and then do it! It will be much more appreciated that way!

4. DO NOT drink from the toilet unless the water is clear! This is very important since humans use smelly dangerous cleaners in there that could make you seriously ill or worse!

** addendum to #4, if your cat is perched on the open toilet seat feel free to give her a nudge! After all, cats need baths too!

5. Shed Shed Shed. 'nuff said on that subject!

6. Always save your best butt licking sessions for when company comes! Afterall you don't want to hide such a valuable talent do you??

7. Hang out by the fridge when your human is cleaning it out. You might get a chance to nick some good grubb!

8. Human beds were made for sleeping on AND for burying bones, treats, and leftover pizza crust in pillows.

9. Winter time can be a good time to munch on some tasty poop-sicles. Poop in the summer is too messy even for us dogs to mess with so leave it alone. Feel free however to bring an occassional dead rodent or two into the house for your humans inspection.

10. And last but not least - compost - it's a good thing! Be sure to roll in it with relish but be forewarned, your human WILL most likely insist on bathing you afterwards.

There you have it folks! Follow these tips and you will be one wonderfully helpful pet! Sometimes these silly humans won't act like they actually appreciate your helfpulness, but trust me, they do!

Wags and kisses,

Lexi

Basic Training

As I may or may not have already mentioned, I am a purebred German Shepherd with an impressive pedigree. My parents and their parents and those before them were well trained, well bred and just plain, well wonderful! So when my parents bought me from my breeder Cheryl they were pretty sure they were getting an awesome dog. And they did!! (not bragging here, it's just a fact).

Of course I had the "raw ingredients" but we dogs don't come trained ya know! We do require a little "basic training" even if we do have an impeccable pedigree under our belts. And apparently, so I've been told (over and over and over again!) when I was first brought home at the tender age of 8 weeks, I was, shall we saw, very ill mannered. My parents did what training they could at home (housebreaking, basic manners, etc) until I was almost a year old. Then they signed me up for a basic dog obedience class at the local high school.

They were excited and so was I. Finally I was going to get to go to school and learn "obedience"! I had no idea what that was, but they made it sound like it would be a blast so I was game! One night they loaded me into the car and off we drove to the high school for our first class. As soon as we entered the building however my excitement started to wain. I was greeted by about 20 other dogs, all older than me and they were all barking. Loudly. Meanly. They did not look like they were interested in having fun, rather they looked like they wanted to eat a young German Shepherd!

I tried hiding behind dad's legs but he pulled me forward on my leash and made me sit while the instructor started the class. First thing she did was hold up a funny looking collar she said was a "choke chain". In her class, she said, every dog had to have a choke chain, or if not a choke chain then a prong collar. She held up another collar, this one looked positively barbaric, with metal prongs all along the inside. She insisted neither collar would hurt a dog, that those of us with thick coats would hardly even feel ourselves being choked or poked. Ha ha. Now THAT is amusing! Here's the deal folks: if you don't believe that being choked or stabbed in the throat doesn't hurt then how about we put one of these lovely collars around YOUR neck and see how you like it??? Because it sure DOES hurt! As do shock collars and other devices that people use to "train" their dogs. Here's a basic rule of thumb to follow when it comes to your pets: Don't do anything to your pet that you wouldn't do to your child. Or better yet, don't do anything to your pet that you wouldn't do to yourself, because I've seen a lot of parents who don't seem to treat their children any better than they do their pets.

So our first class began with me having a choke chain put around my neck and having dad drag me to our place in a circle with the other dogs and their owners. I am not ashamed to admit I was scared out of my doggy mind! I didn't know what was happening really aside from the fact that I was going to be "choked" by my loving dad and possibly attacked by one of these older, positively cranky dogs!

The first thing we were supposed to learn was how to walk or "heel", which I though was pretty stupid. I mean gee whiz, I'd been walking since I was a tiny pup, it's not that difficult really! But "heeling" is somewhat different than just "walking". Heeling, in this class at least, involved walking right beside my dad, but not too close and not too far away, not too fast, not too slow. I was not allowed to jump up or stop until he stopped. Then I was supposed to sit nicely and look up at him for my next command. Yeah right!!! Like THAT was going to happen! So I did what came naturally to me, which was trotting beside dad and jumping up occassionally and crying and nipping and howling and pulling on my leash and trying to sniff the butt of the dog in front of me. But whenever I did any of these wonderful doggy things I got choked!! That's right folks, my adoring daddy would give me a sharp yank and I'd go aaaccckkkk!!! and just about toss my kibble everywhere. All around me the other dogs were being choked and a few scary looking ones were wearing the prong collars and they were being pronged and stabbed and everyone was barking and howling and crying and plain miserable. Oh yeah, Basic Dog Obedience was brilliant!

And all the while that crazy instructor was stalking around shouting "That's it! Show your dog whose boss! Give them a correction! Don't let them take control!" The woman was insane I tell you! Poor mom stood on the sidelines with her hand over her mouth looking just sick. Each time we passed her in our rotation I'd jump, trying to get to her. But each time dad yanked me back. Then the instructor upped the ante. She started tossing raw hotdogs on the floor in front of us. Cool I thought, a snack! I figured this was her way of making up for trying to choke us to death but oh no! This was just one more little trick in her devious plot of doggy domination! Now we were told that we had to continue to heel and our owners were to make sure we did NOT touch the hotdogs. Not touch a hotdog???? Is that even possible????? According to her it was.

On my first pass I gobbled up the first hotdog that came my way and dad chuckled. The instructor did not like that. "Your dog just ate anti freeze!" she barked. "You've got to control your dog!! Give a correction!" Dad halfheartedly gave me a little choke which I gleefully ignored while I grabbed my second hot dog. The rest of the lesson went much the same way. My folks were not pleased. They said I didn't get it, that I was too young. Mom said she hated that choke chain and I agreed!

During the week we practiced at home and mom and dad said I was making progress. But we practiced without the choke chain and with lots of treats. The instructor had said we didn't need treats for our training. So lets get this straight: basic dog obedience involved the use of torture devices, no treats, taunting with hot dogs and doggy domination. Yeah, that makes me want to be very obedient doesn't it you???

I figured we were done with that crazy dog obedience stuff but unfortunately mom and dad decided to give it one more try. Dad dragged me into class the very next week and the torture continued. I was having none of it I decided. I refused to heel no matter how much I was choked or prodded. I threw myself a great big doggy tantrum, jumping up on dad and crying, pulling on my leash to get to mom. Then I laid down on the floor and refused to move. The instructor kept shouting for dad to use a correction and get control but I could tell mom and dad were done. And so was I. We left the class early. Clearly dog "obedience" was not for us!

Back at home mom decided to train me herself using techniques she'd read about in books borrowed from the library. These books advocated, of all things, POSITIVE training, with lots of praise and best of all lots of treats! And lo and behold, once I knew good things would come my way I started to learn! Within weeks I was heeling and sitting and staying and coming when called. And we did it all with a normal collar and just me and my loving mom and dad. Now I'm not going to lie and say I am a perfectly trained, always obedient dog. I am sometimes naughty and sometimes I don't always come when called and I still like to jump up on people and give them kisses. And I bet sometimes mom and dad wish I was as perfectly trained as some of my ancestors. But anything else just wouldn't be me and I just know my folks wouldn't have it any other way!

And now I'm gonna go get me a hot dog!

Wags & kisses,

Lexi

Boppys & Binkies & Bumbos - Oh My!

As many of you may already know we recently had two new additions to our family. Mom had two babies at once, Matthew, who I call Happy and Amy, who I call Screechy. Matthew is called Happy because he is a very happy fellow, always smiling and laughing and cooing. Amy is called Screechy because she screeches like a banshee and is usually in a very very bad mood (kind of like the cat!)

When a human has two babies at once that is called twins. When I was born to my doggy mom I was one of ten puppies. Thank goodness my human mom did not have ten babies because two is bad enough!

When Happy and Screechy were first growing inside Mom I did not have a clue they were in there. I just knew that all of a sudden my mom was puking her guts out day and night! Now I am known as a bit of a frequent puker myself (we German Sheps have sensitive tums!) but mom was a one woman puke fest! Unfortunately for her it was around this same time that I started having several bouts of explosive doggy diarhea, I'm talking major watery Hershey squirts! Poor mom, it was coming out of one end of me and the other end of her! But even little things would cause mom to puke, like if she smelled perfume or laundry detergent or if Daddy cooked us a nice roasted chicken for dinner! Or if I happened to put my lovely squidgy slimy piece of rawhide on her lap. So Happy and Screechy were the cause of lots of urping in our house.

Finally the barfing stopped and moms tummy started to grow. And grow and grow and grow. I got shouted at a lot because mom said I was in her way and she couldn't see her feet, or her knees or her hips. All she could see was the giant tum that was Happy and Screechy, all scrunched up together inside.

One night there was great commotion in our house just after we'd all settled down for bed. Mom was up and dad was up and they were trying to wake up big sis Maddie. They kept talking about how mom's water had broke which I didn't understand then and I still don't understand to this day. How does one "break" water???? At any rate, suddenly everyone left the house in the middle of the night and I was left alone! That had NEVER happened before in my lifetime so I sort of freaked out a little. Thank goodness my cat Bella was here to calm my nerves a little. I chewed her up a bit then we snuggled up and slept the rest of the night. In the morning dad was back but just long enough to let me out to pee then off he went again. Mom was nowhere to be seen which was strange indeed. This craziness went on for 4 days and I was nearly out of my mind wondering what had happened to my mom! I thought maybe she'd run away or something, but no, the truth was she was at some place called a "hospital" where she gave birth to Happy and Screechy, my new little bro and sis.

When mom finally came home I went completely berserk, crying and kissing her all over! I was soooo happy to see her! She gave me lots of cuddles and kisses although I noticed she was moving kind of slow and her giant tummy was gone. Then dad brought in Happy and Screechy and put them in the baby crib still in their car seats so I could check them out. Well I'm here to tell you, this dog had never ever seen such a weird thing as those two babies! I had no idea what they were! Were they toys? I didn't think so, they were moving and making tiny noises and had a smell to them. I growled a little bit because I was unsure what I was dealing with here and dad gave me a thunk and told me to be good. That told me it was NOT okay to chew on these things, whatever they were. Gradually I came to realize they were tiny people and apparently they were here to stay. Pretty much right away I realized two other things: they were LOUD and they were SMELLY. The smelly I didn't mind so much (even grabbed me a diaper or two to chew on when mom wasn't looking!) but the loud was another thing entirely! Screechy especially would constantly emit a sound ten thousand times worse then nails on a chalkboard! I had no choice but to throw back my head and howl right along with her. At first mom and dad thought it was funny when I howled, later on it just got me another thunk on the head. Which brought me to another realization: it's okay for babies to make loads of noise but not me! Not fair at all but that's how it is!

When you have babies in your house they come with a lot of junk, all of which I am not allowed to touch or chew on, which stinks! You have Boppy's, which are these great soft pillows that cradle the babies while they sleep. Then you have Binkies, which are so fun to chew and suck on!! We also have Bumbo seats, which are made out of this lovely squidgy soft rubber that would be soooo nice to chew. But I'm not allowed near any of it! All I can do is look longingly at them and dream of the mess I could make...

It's different now that we have babies in the house. It's noisier and smellier and sometimes my sleep is disturbed. Happy pulls my fur and drools on me and Screechy breaks my eardrums ten times a day, but truth be told I'm starting to get sort of used to having them around. I like making them laugh and smile and I like kissing their drooly faces and licking up the spit up from the floor. And mom says soon they will start eating baby food, so THAT'S got to be a good thing!

Yes, I miss the peace and quiet and I wish I could lay on the boppys and chew the binkies and bumbos and drink milk from the bottles but I do love my new bro and sis, we have an awesome family and something tells me it's just going to get better and better!

Wags and kisses,

Lexi

Decided to start a blog!

Hello folks (animal, human & other!)

Since I started my twitter page I've discovered I have so much more to say about so many different subjects and not enough room to say them! So what better way to share my doggie thoughts but to start my own blog? or dog blog to be more exact!

In case you don't already know who I am my name is Lexi Dogweather and I am almost 2 years old. My birthday is on September 15th, just in case you want to send gifts! (I am partial to squeaky toys and bones!) I am a beautiful German Shepherd and I live with my mom and dad, my cat Bella (also 2) and my 8 year old sis Maddie, and our 2 little twins Matthew and Amy who are almost 6 months old.

Sometimes I get into trouble but never ever on purpose (honest!) My folks say I have "excellent tracking abilities" , although they kind of sound sarcastic when they say that! Not sure why!

I like to chase my cat, chase my ball, chase my laser pointer, chase my sis Maddie and well..I guess chase anything basically! My lifes ambition is to catch a squirrel someday - though I'm not quite sure what I will do with it when I catch it! Oh and I LOVE to roll around in smelly stuff, the stinkier the better!

Glad u are here, I just know we will have lots of fun sharing our thoughts!

Three wags to u all,

Lexi